Real-Life Moments Of Terror

Anxiety flooded her as she slipped her feet up onto the couch in the anaesthetic room. It was cool, too cool because of the laminar airflow system protecting the sterility of the operating theatre suite. She recognised only one face of the small crowd, that of the anaesthetist who had been to examine her on the ward 90 minutes before she had walked into this room.

He had discussed her previous operation’s slightly difficult intubation in detail, outlining exactly what plan of action he would undertake in the variety of circumstances which might present themselves as he performed this intubation. He had been meticulous and thorough, and when sitting safely in her hospital room she had felt completely reassured by the dialogue.

In the cold anaesthetic room, it was a different matter altogether. She still had every confidence in his professional knowledge and ability, but knowing she was offically marked as a previously difficult intubation on her hospital notes meant the same problem was likely to occur again, and this time it seemed really scary to know about the possible complications.

One assistant held her hand whilst the anesthetist inserted the venflon into a vein and connected it to a giving set dispensing clear Hartmann’s solution from a litre bag, and she found her gaze moving round the room crammed full of equipment. Immediately opposite her was a cupboard, bearing the glaring black sign “Difficult Intubation ” in huge capital letters, as if to taunt her. Another assistant was busily preparing equipment next to the cupboard, quietly but still with notable and unnerving metallic clanks and clatters. ” I want everything opened up now, just in case” she heard the anesthetist say softly, and the assistant smiled and nodded in reply.

Sticky pads for the cardiac monitor were placed on her chest and soon she was hooked up to the machine with its endlessly bleeping noises as well as the blood pressure and oxygen saturation montors, each flickering their readings. She knew her anxiety was mounting, not just because of her own flight-or fight adrenaline surge creating a body-wide sense of sheer panic, but because the wretched monitors were sounding audible alarms when the readings reached pre-selected thresholds of normality.

It was too late to get off the table and run out screaming now, she thought grimly, so she closed her eyes and instead, she constantly and silently repeated The Prayer: Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy upon me a sinner”, feeling herself gradually calm down again.

The anaesthetist placed a clear mask on her nose and mouth, to raise the amount of oxygen saturating her bloodstream to compensate for the vital seconds which would elapse until the endo-tracheal tube was safely placed and would allow the anaesthetic machine to pump gases into her lungs. After a short while, he asked her to open her eyes and look at him as he began to inject the sequence of drugs so he could monitor her response to their action.

“You’ll feel this one creeping up your arm as a really cold tingling sensation” he warned, and she nodded as she felt the cold move up to her elbow, before her eyes closed and she was in the tender mercies of the anesthetist’s care for the duration of the operation……

Lots More Wisdom From The Babushkim :-)

Modesty in Church

A subject close to Babushka Sian’s heart.

A charitable fund should be set up in every parish so that visitors – whether male or female – who inadvertently arrive at Church clad inappropriately may be given or loaned garments to enable them to feel less conspicuous more comfortable.

Babushkim are hereby authorised to deny entry into Church to both men and women wearing backless, sleeveless and excessively low cut clothing, unless they are happy to don alternative clothing, or in the case of women, to accept the loan of an all-enveloping pashmina.

Head coverings are not compulsory in many parishes, but it does the Babushka’s heart good to see modesty taken to the level of head-covering as it generally means that all other parts of the body are likely to be safely covered too.

Scarves, hats, berets and mantillas  are all highly commendable.

Bare feet are not normally acceptable unless the person in question is doing public penance or walking to Our Blessed Lady’s shrine at Walsingham.   Jesus – type sandals are perfectly acceptable, with or without socks,  providing the feet are clean. Unless of course the person concerned is on a holy pilgrimage, when dirty feet would be considered acceptable proof of the need for the Babushka  to provide the pilgrim with a jolly good hot meal and a packed lunch to take out.

Skirts which are mere frills around the waist are not acceptable, even with opaque tights. Kilts are only allowed when assurances have been given in writing  prior to attendance at Liturgy that appropriate underwear is also being worn. Budgie-smuggler type shorts or underwear are not acceptable for similar reasons; metanoias and prostrations are far too revealing when done with this type of clothing and have been known to give small children nightmares and parents some difficult explanations to formulate for  those of a tender age.
Anyway, Orthodox churches are generally far too cold for these items to ever be suitable clothing, unless in Midsummer in the United Kingdom, and having to summon the clergy to anoint  persons who have turned blue with hypothermia during the Liturgy is NOT a good thing as it means that the lovingly prepared food cooking in the church hall will not be tended to in good time and is likely to be burnt, due to the temperamental Aga.

Schisms have started over far less, and it is the babushka’s duty to ensure good order.

Reference should be made to Babushka Joanna for further clarification regarding current climactic and clothing conditions in the United States of America.

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The well dressed Babushka and modern fashion.

This is something of a contentious topic, and it should be clearly understood that these are mere suggestions, not hard and fast rules.

In more traditional Orthodox countries, Babushkim and Yia Yias generally wear a sober and serviceable black outfit which is hard wearing and relatively stain resistant, as well as clearly depicting the wearer as a solid and dependable member of society and as a warning to the unwary not to cross canes with a babushka.

These principles are indeed generally endorsed by the International  League of Babushkim, but as the role of the Babushka has extended and been enhanced several times during the twenty first century, we must needs move with the times too. This may be contrary to the general ethos of Orthodoxy ; I hear some members cry out  “Change  – what is this change ? We don’t do change. we are Orthodox !”  but Orthodoxy does evolve, though admittedly at an often glacial rate of progress, measure in centuries if not millenia. Babushikm in the western developed world are also being forced to change, but at a slightly faster rate.

Practical, modest, serviceable and respectable clothing continues – and will always – be the global standard of Babushkim, but outside of Church, trousers and jeans are now sometimes the most  vital garments in the Babushka’s armoury, and in order to be able to blend in on some of our more arcane and exciting assignments, we may need to embrace  a variety of colour schemes depending on the task at hand.
It must be stressed however, that pillar box red clothing should only be used as a last resort in dire emergencies, such as when running out of clothes due to the breakdown of washing machines, being at a ridiculous distance from laundrettes and/or  lack of access to a suitable bathtub for hand/foot washing clothes.  Pillarbox red is likely to cause comments if worn to Church, however modest the style may be, though red coats are entirely appropriate for Remembrance Sunday in November. and during the darkest winter months.

Clashing colour schemes and patterns are to be avoided if possible; Babushkim are expected to set a certain standard of fashion for others to follow in church and some of our younger girls need no encouragement to to experiment with allegedly fashionable ideas.

Head coverings would be recommended although  not mandatory for attendance at Church, but are optional at all other times unless having a bad hair day or if your favourite hardresser is off sick, which may make it advisable in order to avoid drawing attention to one’s self and to avoid comments from the senseless, which may in turn need reprimanding by judicious use of the brolly or cane.

When confronted by females wearing  clothing wholly unsuitable for anything other than attendance at work in a brothel, it is permittable to shout loudly  in horror- stricken tones : “You look like a prostitute !” in order to bring the aforesaid  female to her senses.
Many women now are so immersed in modern culture that they forget that even forty years ago, some fashions were indeed only worn by working women of a sort which one would not wish to be mistaken for.

Unless going through a period of teenage rebellion, which needs a Babushka-ly word of advice and  possibly a conversation with the parents of the young woman in question.
This should however be a last resort only, as if the parents grew up under your tutelage and have allowed their offspring to dress like working women of the wrong sort, you have clearly failed in your duties as a Babushka and will be summoned for urgent peer review by the Council.
Standards must be upheld. MTV has a lot to answer for.

Beachwear is a different matter altogether, and skimpy clothing is now de rigeur, though Babushkim might be wise to consider the use of all in one bathing costumes if there is any chance that they might be seen by other parishioners in order to avoid accusations of “it’s not fair ! You told me that….” Hem hem.

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Make-up

A contentious issue. Feelings run very high on this subject.

The International  League of Babushkim have contented themselves with this brief policy statement to be  taken under advisement by all members and given the most serious consideration:

The one thing which is essential is that all our young women are clearly instructed that they MUST NOT kiss the icons or receive Communion when wearing lip-balm or lipstick; it does irreparable damage the icons and Father has the dickens of a job to get the grease marks off the chalice after Communion, sometimes necessitating the entire post-Communion set of prayers to need to be said no fewer than three times on one dreadful occasion in Babushka Sian’s parish. It is of course normal practice for the faithful to remain for the post-communion prayers before leaving the church, and considerable amounts of food had to be thrown out as a result of being overcooked. This is totally unacceptable and a scandalous waste of time and money.

A box of paper tissues and one of wet wipes should be kept in the Narthex at all times, so that ladies may wipe off their lipstick etc before entering the Church proper and avoiding all the unnecessary inconvenience to others.

It is perfectly acceptable for make up to be re-applied immediately after leaving the Church, and many Babushkim do, in fact, now carry a small compact mirror in their handbag for emergency purposes.

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Politics & Lungs

Politics

Although Babushkim have very similar, decided and forthright views on the subject of religion, which they are happy to share with all and sundry, political viewpoints can vary quite dramatically indeed amongst individual Babushkim.

In order to avoid distress, bloodshed and mayhem,  it is recommended that no political views not be aired in public fora except when policy statements have to be thrashed out, drafted and composed for the International League Of Babushkim in order  for consideration by national and international governmental bodies and departments.
Otherwise it can all end in tears. Or fatwas.

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Lungs

It is essential that all Babushkim spend plenty of time outdoors in the life-giving fresh air each and every day, regardless of the prevailing  weather conditions.

Deep breathing exercises are strongly recommended so that the Babushka will have adequate lung capacity for tending the candle stands, blowing out guttering candles {and dealing with hair fires at Paschal services due to overcrowding etc },and  to lead the congreagtional responses, even if in a tone different from that being sung by the choir.

Most crucially of all, taking good care of one’s lungs will enable the Babushka  to hone  the all-important ability to shout loudly enough to halt recalcitrant children or clergy in their tracks, and to alert parents and Matushkas that they need to exert their God-given role and bring the emerging situation in Church or the Parish Hall  into some semblance of godly order.
Babushka Margaret has written an excellent pamphlet on the subject, and is the acknowledged authority on these matters.

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Lethal Weapon

“I’ve got a loaded weapon and I’m not afraid to use it!” she shouted, holding the cat in her arms like a machine gun as the snow swirled around her on the open playing field.

“You touch our snowmen again and I will set the cat on you!” she snarled, walking menacingly towards the group of chav-scum teenagers who were busy kicking over her children’s carefully constructed snowmen.
“Oh yeah, as if we’re scared!” one of them challenged her.  She just smiled, peeled back her black balaclava and revealed her badly scarred face. “He did this last month.” she said simply, and let the cat down on the ground with only two words:
“Kill, Tigger!”
The cat strode menacingly towards them, and their grins slowly turned to concern and then to absolute terror as the cat climbed up the leg of the ring-leader by digging in his claws and hauling himself up, claw by agonising claw.

“OW ! Gerrit off of me!” he screamed, and the cat just carried on. “I’m sorry ! I won’t do it again!” he pleaded and the cat immediately jumped down, purring calmly as if murder and mayhem were the furthest things from his mind as he strolled back to his owner, who picked him up and whispered sweet nothings in his ear and telling him what a good boy he was……

 

Carol Concert 1

She’d arrived early, determined to get a good seat, and preferably as far away from the biting draught that whistled through the open doors of the building, through which the crowds were currently pouring. It had been bad enough walking for forty minutes in the bitter cold; she had no desire to feel the cold air until it was time to start the long walk home again.

 

She sat in the vast, echoing chapel, painted stark white and fitted with the original wooden box pews, watching as parents and friends filed in  – or in some cases, galloped in – for the school’s carol concert, jostling for the best seats.

Best seats, of course, meaning only that they provided closest access for those wielding cameras and camcorders to record the event for posterity. Quite how many of the camera wielders took anything of the real meaning of the performance home in their hearts was difficult to judge, and, in any case, as she sternly reminded herself, none of her business.  She knew she was too judgmental by far.

 The reality, of course, was that most of the dvds created of the concert would be watched once then languish on the top shelf of people’s bookcases and cupboards  – too “precious” to be thrown away because they contained images of that family’s beloved children, yet too “boring” to bear repeated watching. Unless , of course, your particular child had a special starring role, in which case, every visitor for the next month was likely to be forcibly sat down on the sofa with a glass of sherry and compelled to watch and make appropriately admiring comments about your child prodigy.  🙂

 

Each pew contained a few copies of a modern language “inclusive” Bible, and on the walls were a few crafted banners.  For a denomination which eschewed idolatry of any sort, with not even a plain cross hanging on the walls, there were banners instead, though all but one were abstract in design or created so that the biblical figures represented were viewed from the back or a half angle, thus avoiding the need for – gasp – faces.

 Faces which might, of course, lend themselves to idolatry.  Backs of head obviously did not carry the same danger.

 

Many of the families actually belonged to the denomination at whose building the carol concert was being held, and could be seen clutching their own cameras so they could indulge in their own version of idolatry and capture images of their children. 

They made strange bedfellows, she mused, modern technology and late medieval heresy………………

How To Impress A Babushka – A Young Man’s Guide.

How To Impress A Babushka – A Young Man’s Guide.

This is a lengthy process and cannot be rushed without disaster striking. Be warned.

1/ Shower, hair wash and teeth cleaning is mandatory prior to at least the first three hundred appearances at Church. A microscopically slight diminution in standards may then be acceptable provided you have an excellent and verified excuse.

2/ Shaving for men is optional, as Babushkim are quite fond of bearded men, but designer stubble is OUT. No arguments or exceptions…..
Unless you are Colin Firth or Alan Rickman planning on making a surprise visit to Babushka Sian’s parish.

3/ Clean clothing. Need we say more.
It should have no outrageous logo or slogan, although “Babushkim rule!” would be acceptable , in white letters on a plain black or grey T-shirt.

4/ Shoes should be clean and polished; Sandals should also be clean.

5/ Long Hair should be tied back in a neat ponytail. Long hair indicates a willingness to consider a career in subservience to a Babushka as a potential clergyman, which is always to be encouraged.
6/ Phoning the priest to introduce oneself prior to appearance at the Liturgy and to arrange for confession etc is de rigeur.
Asking the priest for the phone number of the chief Babushka in order to both introduce oneself, ask if there are any particular rules of conduct or dress specific to that parish is a particularly good idea.

7/ One of the chief ways to a Babushka’s heart would be to ask if there is any way in which you could help to :
prepare the Church in readiness for the liturgy,
clean the Church after service,
make a monetary donation to the food fund for Sunday’s pot luck lunch,
volunteer to provide food for the lunch and / or to wash the dishes.

These provide an excellent first impressions both to Babushkim and potential girlfriends, and should never be under-estimated, provided you do actually carry through with the proffered help at the specified time, or preferably at least turn up for duty half an hour earlier. Failure to do will undoubtedly result both in bruises and a bad reputation proceeding you to every other Orthodox parish in the known world.

8/ Learn to cook. Quickly.
Or be prepared to spend at least a tenth of your weekly income at M & S .
Throwing one’s self on the tender mercies of the Babushka in charge and begging to be taught how to be a useful male is also acceptable, providing that the said request is accompanied by at least one bottle of good quality wine, a large box of chocolates or a gift card for Amazon, with which the Babushka can indulge her passion for liturgical books, kitchen gadgets or dvds.

9/ Offering to solve Babushka’s broken laptop / internet connection problems or set up her new whizzy smart phone with all appropriate Orthodox apps will also earn you Brownie points.

10/ Make sure that any potentially damning (in Babushka’s eyes at least) content or photographs have been removed from your Facebook page before even thinking of making yourself known to Babushka.
Warn your friends not to post questionable content on your page for the next ninety years, as you can guarantee that somewhere, a Babushka will get to know about it and post it on Babushka .Net. Trust me on this.

And then you will get a sternly worded public telling off in the parish hall coffee hour, ending with the words which will strike terror into the stoutest heart ” “You are going to Hell!”, as everyone knows that the Babushkim have a hotline to the Almighty.

Alternatively, un-friend the reprobate characters completely or set up a new persona on Facebook entitled “Harry the Hamster”. This may involve you wearing a hamster mask to all future meetings with your dodgy friends so that any photos posted on the internet will not identify you in any way……but if it was good enough for Alan Rickman / Severus Snape, it should be good enough for you.

11/ Throw yourself on Babushka’s tender mercies and explain that you so very much want to find a good Orthodox girl to woo and make your wife. Babushkim absolutely love to matchmake, and have contacts across the world. If you really want a wife, they will find you one.
Be warned, you will also need to ask Babushka to be Godmother to any children you and your wife are blessed to produce, and it is essential to make sure that you buy her presents at Christmas, Pascha, Birthday and her Name Day celebrations. She will be a joy and a delight, and an almost permanently available babysitter except for Babushka conferences.
She is now an ineradicable part of your family, whose influence will linger on long after her death. You will find that you will end up saying to your grandchildren, long after Babushka has entered Paradise : “For heaven’s sake, xxx, what on earth do you think you are doing, going out dressed like that ? Babushka X would have a fit, God rest her soul!” to the inevitable accompaniment of rolling eyes from the aforesaid grandchild who never had the privilege of meeting Babushka in the flesh, but who knows enough about her reputation to trudge back to his or her room to change into “something more appropriate”.

12/ Offer to drive Babushka to the largest shopping centre of excellence within a hundred miles of the parish at regular intervals and be prepared to spend at least twelve hours trailing round after her, carrying enormous amounts of purchases. Once you have driven her home, make sure to offer to hang all new pictures / icons/ bookshelves immediately for her, no matter how late at night it may be or whether you need to be in work in Uzbekhistan by 6 am the following morning, put all the shopping away and make her a nice cup of tea (or pour her a nice glass of wine, which you happen to have in your car, depending on whether it is a wine day or not,) and she will be your friend for life.

Until you cross her. And then the whole process starts again from scratch.
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Edited 5th Dec to correct a few typographical errors.

Friends of the Babushkim

Friends of the Babushkim

There are numerous people who are Real Life or online friends with the Babushkim, and supporters of the concept  and traditions of the Babushkim. Not forgetting those who would like to be Babushkim, but are not able to do so at the present time due to age, infirmity, family circumstances, geographical location  and being of the male persuasion, all of which are bars to undertaking Babushka training and gaining due accreditation and qualifications.

To all these people, we bid a hearty welcome and an invitation to become full members of Friends Of The Babushkim instead.
We are proud to announce that our very first member was hot off the starting blocks in the race to receive the coveted 001 numbered membership card, and is revealed to be Mr Brian Patrick Delaney, to whom we bid a warm welcome and hope he enjoys the insanity which is the World of the Babushkim……

Benefits of membership include:-

Insider information as to menus appearing at coffee hour and Patronal/Ordination festivals across the Babushkim world.

The chance to assist Babushkim “behind the scenes” at such events, and be rewarded for washing up by being fed tasty morsels put aside especially.

Receiving brand-new recipes

Being given low-level security access to Babushka.net

Being given access to the unexpurgated version of The Babushka’s Guide to Life

And having a guaranteed Babushka guard of honour and catering at your wedding, christenings, monastic profession, ordination or funeral occasion.

All Rights Reserved. Copyright belongs to SEW, December 2011.

Patronal Festivals

Patronal Festivals

 {Expecto Patronal ! For those of our Babushkim who have read – whether they admit it or not – the Harry Potter series. If only it were as simple to arrange a Patronal festival as it would be to wave a wand………}

 They are the  joy and the bane of any Babushka, to be brutally honest. If any unsuspecting Babushka in a new parish is approached by her parish priest or deacon with an ingratiating smile and the horrifyingly ominous words “I was sure you wouldn’t mind arranging this for us….”, it is strongly advised to run as fast as you can, changing address, email, telephone number and Facebook identity, and preferably leaving the county – if not the country – on a permanent basis. In extreme cases, plastic surgery and assuming an entirely new identity could be considered.

 Unless, of course, you really do wish to spend and for some unfathomable reason, you really do *enjoy* spending the next year being constantly phoned, emailed or PM’ed about the ever changing numbers of people expected to attend and ever-conflicting expectations of what a Babushka can achieve single-handedly with a nearly defunct Aga and a budget of twenty pounds to feed approximately a hundred attendees for two hearty meals. And that’s if you are really lucky…….

Some Babushkim positively relish the challenge – and it must be admitted, the awesome power – of arranging major parish festivals; others prefer to play equally vital but discreetly under-stated parts in such events.

 It is essential to insist at the outset to the parish clergy , that if he / they really wish you to undertake any or all of the preparing, planning and catering for the Patronal festival, that the parish council makes a formal declaration in writing that they will undertake to purchase immediately volumes 1 through 16 of The Babushka’s Guide to Ecclesiastical Catering, and provide a stout bookcase in the kitchen in which to store it.

 Do not be fooled with protestations of “Oh, it’s easy !” and “It won’t take you long!” ; in order to run a successful and stress-free Patronal festival, it is vital to start planning immediately the current year’s festival is safely over (and at least two bottles of Shiraz have been drunk in celebration.) Any members of the congregation unwise enough to mention in passing that they have a foolproof recipe / large stockpot/ spare roasting tins / glut of fruit or vegetables holed away in their freezer should be press-ganged into service without delay.

Active participation in the successful completion of a Patronal festival automatically enhances the ranking of a newly qualified Babushka from Level one to Level seven, in recognition of the difficulties which have been faced, endured and overcome. It should be noted that once a Patronal festival has been completed , the Babushka’s reputation and enhanced social standing within the parish is virtually unassailable and permanent.

It is rumoured that training courses are being arrranged, which will give the nervous new Babushka invaluable advice and assistance in undertaking this nerve-racking and often life changing experience. Enquiries to Babushka Laura of Mettingham once her own Patronal festival is safely completed……..

Once the basic outline of church services for the Patronal festival has been decided by the priest or deacon in question, the Babushka and her committee of helpers needs to plan for every conceivable eventuality. Within the UK, it should be assumed that there will be a distinct possibility of snow at absolutely any time from early October right through to late April. For the other months, allow for the chance of high winds, torrential rain and lightning; it can be seen, therefore, that it is absolutely essential to provide some hot dishes, no matter when the Patronal festival is to be held.

 Freezer space for raw materials, fully or partially completed dishes should be reserved well in advance in the homes of the faithful (and of the faithless if the Babushka can wangle it) in order to avoid the risk of a period of inclement snow / sleet or ice, followed by a sudden thaw making it difficult for the Babushka to shop, cook and prepare necessary things at the last moment but paradoxically still allowing large numbers of apparently starving people from all corners of the country to attend the ceremonies nevertheless.

 We would advise that you never fall into the trap of understimating the quite remarkable gathering power of the prospect of a Patronal festival at even the smallest parish or mission; it acts like a powerful magnet upon the Babushkim and faithful from other parishes, eager to visit and criticise new churches and clergy, make new friends and enemies, to have a break from preparing their own church’s pot luck dinner and also to collect new recipes, which is an obsession with Babushkim and one to be strongly encouraged. It will always be possible to produce new volumes in our acclaimed series of ecclesiastical cookery if there is sufficient demand.

A rota of persons willing, nay, expected to help on the day should be drawn up, and what is equally important, a rota of persons willing to wash up. These should be posted in the church bulletin, on the church website, posted on the church door and also in the parish hall as well as being announced at all services for three consecutive weeks prior to the Big Day. Give them absolutely no excuse at all to claim they did not know, or weren’t in church that week, or must have missed Father reading out the weekly notices because they had to nip to “the little room “ urgently……

It is an axiom of all Babushkim throughout the ages that those who have done the cooking should not have to do the washing up as well. This may not have been the case in many old – fashioned parishes in the past, but under Declaration 287 , this will be the expectation from 2012 onwards, and with no excuses tolerated. All parish clergy have been notified of this.

 We know change can be painful to our parishes, but in order to avoid undue strain on Babushkim, others also need to take a fair turn at the necessary ancillary duties or one day, the truly unthinkable will happen – there will be a Patronal festival with no food because the faithful Babushka will have been hospitalised due to overwork and excessive strain. As she will be the only one privy to the secret knowledge of exactly what has been carefully stored in which parishioner or family member’s fridges and freezers, this would have catastrophic consequences and end up with emegency rations having to be purchased from the local supermarket, thereby permanently damaging both the parish’s and the Babushka’s carefully enhanced and protected reputations.

 In order to reduce stress levels, Declaration 288 states quite unequivocally that all Babushkim shuld be presented with at least one bottle of good quality wine on each on the two days immediately preceding the first day of the Patronal Festival to sustain them throughout the arduous task of preparation and cooking of exquisite dishes., the cost of the wine to be borne by the parish priest or deacon as the case may be.

Access to a music system which will allow the Babushka’s band of choice to be played will also be made available; it has however been formally requested by the clergy that no Babushka will play, allow, encourage or otherwise cause to be played a CD entitled “Never mind the bo**ocks, here come the Sex Pistols” no matter how much they may have loved it when they were young, foolish and rebellious.

It is *not* setting a good example to our impressionable younger members and playing it at the loud volume enjoyed by many Babushkim has in the past caused offence to neighbours and been the reason that the local constabulary have been called to investigate reports of possible malicious damage or breaking and entering of the Babushka’s home or church property, (wherever she may have been cooking at the time) with the subsequent reporting of said incidents by the local gutter press in unpleasantly graphic and uncomplimentary detail.

We most definitely do not want a repeat of the newspaper headline which said, on the front page in letters an inch high, ” Crazed Cook Causes Chaos In Country Church!!!”

It took poor Father Anastasios Vasilyevitch several hours to explain to the magistrates sitting at the local County Court that no, he did no want to press charges against the Babushka concerned and several more hours to explain to the elderly Bishop what had happened. He is believed to be still serving his sentence in exile … on sabbatical on a tiny island at the edge of Lake Baikal and will most likely be there for the next two years, by all accounts, whilst our beloved venerable Bishop Artemije who reposed shortly thereafter , and is of blessed memory, is reputed to still be heard spinning in his grave .

 Declaration 289 makes the production of a full-sized Guinness cake at the main Festival meal mandatory. Although the first slice should be offered to any visiting Hierarch, it is customary that the second slice is the exclusive property of the Babushka who lovingly made it. Every one else can jolly well fight over it. It is the one dish guaranteed to be eaten to the very last crumb, and it is rumoured that clergy have been known to surreptitiously lick the serving dishes too, though we have only anecdotal evidence of this.

Hip flasks containing sustaining alcoholic beverages of a purely medicinal nature are strongly recommended for use on The Day as soon as the Liturgy has ended. Multiple inane requests for extra crockery / cutlery / food / more Guinness cake may otherwise be met with slightly irate responses if the Babushka being pestered is engaged in carefully removing laden baking trays of hot items from the Aga of Doom. Full hip flasks = happy and relaxed Babushkim. In theory, at least. or, rather more to the point, empty hip flasks – which were until recently completely full – equals happy and relaxed Babushkim.

All Rights Reserved. Copyright belongs to SEW, December 2011.

The Babushka’s Guide to Ecclesiastical Catering

The Babushka’s Guide to Ecclesiastical Catering.

An encyclopaedic work, so far covering no fewer than 17 volumes.

Volume 1:   General Principles Of Running The Ecclesiastical Kitchen –

A guide to using what minimal resources may be available to the Babushka on church hall premises. How to cope with dire emergencies, such as having to cater for 700 people with only one functioning gas ring or a portable camping gas stove.

Includes guidance on exactly how many seconds it is permissible for food to be on the floor before being picked up and served as normal.

Volume 2:   Agas.

Enough said. Agas are truly wonderful if functioning correctly and still have their original handbook or owner who can provide essential information. If not, they are a minefield for the unwary and no willing or unwilling Aga owner should be without this essential guide to their use.

Volume 3:   Microwave Ovens

This title has incredibly rarity value, having been hastily jotted down on a single sheet of paper by Babushka Margaret’s mentor, Miss Tilney, and never actually published because it was inadvertently used to line a cat litter tray before being sent to Mr Basil. Mr Basil apparently had it laminated and bound, but its current whereabouts have not yet been established and despite continued threats, he maintains a dignified and impassive silence on the subject.

It allegedly contains the cryptic words: “Do not bother. Microwave ovens are no good for even defrosting frozen sardines. They may, however, be used as temporary holding pens for the likes of Gussie Finknottle providing they are safely unplugged in order to avoid unfortunate and gruesome accidents, which not even Gussie Finknottle would ever deserve.”

This is obviously a top secret security code, the hidden meaning of which even the denizens of Bletchley Park and MI5 at Cheltenham are struggling to discover.

　

Volume 4:   Borscht, The Beginner’s Manual

Containing 350 different recipes for the most important staple item of a Babushka’s kitchen. No medicinal uses or military uses are in this volume; please see Volume 5.

Volume 5:   Borscht – The Advanced Manual.

Please note, this volume will only be sold to bona fide members who are formally signed up for the Advanced Training Course, and copies are to be kept safely in each owner’s locker on Campus at ALL times when not actually being used in class. Unauthorised sale or loan of this volume to non-Babushkim is an offence carrying the harshest penalties. Do not say you were not warned…….

Chapter 1 : Poisons based on Borscht compounds and their antidotes.

Chapter 2 : Weaponry uses.

Chapter 3 : Oatmeal enhancements; culinary, military and construction uses.

Chapter 4 : Interesting and unusual Borscht based bread recipes, some of which are most definitely not edible and should be considered as weapons grade; these are clearly marked .

Appendix A : Nanny Ogg’s musings on the uses of Borscht in Lancre, The Discworld. Unearthed by Babushka Sian on a pioneering voyage into L-space, resulting in her connecting with the Great Library of the Unseen University in Ankh-Morpork. No Babushka under the age of 40 will be issued a copy continuing the Appendix. Some things are simply not suitable for those of tender or innocent dispositions.

Volume 6:  Other Soups

Published somewhat reluctantly; after all, if you have Borscht, what other soups do you really need ? But, ever responsive to our reading and cooking public, we have provided you with ample recipes for your delectation.

Volume 7 :  Fasting Foods, Vegetarian And Plain Pasta Dishes

Our copy-editor assures us that having some sort of blurb to advertise the volume is an essential good marketing requirement; we prefer to describe this volume as “Oh no, what on earth am I going to cook for them this week ? Sob.”

This volume will solve all your problems and ensure appropriate food is put on the tables of our parish halls after Liturgy. It will certainly be edible, but people may well grumble by the end of Great Lent. This is no reflection on the skill of the cooking Babushkim, but rather a sign that the persons concerned have obviously never bothered to prepare, cook and serve food at the parish social hour and so have no idea of the difficulties appertaining thereunto. It is also a warning indication that the Babushka’s cane or umbrella has seen insufficient use on such persons, and this should be remedied immediately and the priest requested to explain the concept that Grace having been said before meals is a sign that yes, we are truly thankful for the blessings God has given us.

Pointing out the recent media coverage of the poor starving souls in Africa, and Offering to simply provide a bowl of rice and a glass of water for everyone at the next post-service meal generally works wonders.

Appendix A:  Tips for priests on how to put the Fear of God into folk who are volubly unthankful for the food which has been lovingly prepared and set in front of them. Suitable penances are also appended for use in the case of intransigent parishioners…….and pro- forma petitions to the local hierarch to ask for fasting dispensations on patronal festivals which unfortunately fall in fasting periods.

Volume 8:  Savoury Snacks/ Finger Food

Contains many recipes for Pate and assorted Merlot and Shiraz based products, as endorsed by Babushka Margaret…..

Volume 9:  Casseroles And Pasta Dishes

The basic staples of everyday Babushka cookery. Includes instructions on how to build your own 14 gallon capacity slow-cooker from scratch.

Volume 10:   Prosphora, Vasilopitta, St Phanourios bread and other church related breads and pastries

Volume 11:   Breads in general, including guidance on using breadmaking machines.

All efficient labour saving devices are worthy of consideration by Babushkim if it means that ever-increasing quantities of food can then be placed on the table at coffee hour.

Appendix A contains guidance on reinforcing the aforesaid tables and work surfaces to cope with large quantities of food.

Volume 12:   Fasting desserts

An admittedly slim volume, but most helpful in making the most of limited ingredients and for those poor souls whose digestive tracts cannot cope with large quantities of fresh fruit during the difficult fasting periods.

Volume 13:   Desserts involving Copious Amounts of Cream

NB: Does NOT include the recipe for Guinness cake. Please see Volume 16. We would hate you to be disappointed.

Postage Note:  This book can now only be despatched by horse and cart, as the Royal Mail have refused to handle copies due to large number of postal workers going off sick with hernia injuries due to the excessive weight of this tome. Please allow six months for delivery if you live outside the UK.

Volume 14:   Hosting A Patronal or Ethnic Celebratory Festival

A pan-Orthodox extravaganza of popular recipes from around the world. No parish should be without a copy of this important book.

Please see Postage Note for Volume 13.

Volume 15:  When Hierarchs Visit.

This volume also contains details of first aid and resuscitation for when lower orders of clergy become dazed, confused, distressed or begin to show off, or for when the higher orders of clergy become difficult to handle.

Volume 16:  Cooking with Guinness.

This volume is about to enter the third print run and will be available again before Pascha 2012, God willing.

Declaration of Interest: The Guinness brewery owners have sponsored the production of this volume and all the authors have been given shares as a thank you gift for increasing the sales of the Black Gold by 300 per cent since the publication of Babushka Laura’s Amazing Guinness Cake on Facebook, to great popular and critical acclaim.

Volume 17:   A work in progress and currently marked Top Secret. No details are available yet, though many have tried – and failed miserably. Their graves are clearly marked in Brookwood Cemetery and a Panikhida will be served for the repose of their souls on the first Saturday of November every year..

 

All Rights Reserved. Copyright belongs to SEW, November 2011.

Canes (Excerpted fromTBGTL)

Canes

Eminently suitable for those Babushkim living in temperate climes where ground conditions or a particularly  unruly congregation may require greater force and impact than an umbrella alone can supply.

Care should be taken that the wood chosen for the cane will be strong enough and fit for purpose whilst also being supple and light enough for the Babushka to actually be able to lift to shoulder height for use as a weapon, or in extreme circumstances, as a projectile.
It is recommended that consideration be given to incorporate a short bayonet which can be used as a sword stick when needed.. It is essential that training is received in the use of a sword stick; fencing lessons are strongly recommended.

Footnote: it cannot be stressed enough that this means sword-fencing lessons, from a qualified Maitre, in a Salle, with all of the appropriate safety equipment.

 Wearing a fencing helmet and chest protector is “not for sissies”, as more than one Babushka has found to her peril, necessitating lengthy hospital stays. All trainee Babushkim are needed on the field in active service, not occupying hospital  beds, though it should also be noted that given the parlous state of the British National Health Service, Babushkim are urgently needed at the highest echelons both of management and  patrolling the wards in the style of Hattie Jacques’ portrayal of old-fashioned Matrons in the “Carry On”  films…..
Going to local colleges and enrollling in agricultural stock management fencing classes is unacceptable, though this is also a useful skill to have in certain parts of the world, it must be said.

A Babushka should, of course, be able to turn her hand to virtually anything.